I don't know why it's taken me so long to write this... or write anything. I've been wanting to, but I guess I've been too distracted by my grief. Honestly, I don't know what I've been doing in the last four weeks. Besides crying and trying to distract myself. I've been trying so hard to distract myself from this overwhelming, all-consuming grief. Also, it's hard to know where to start. This is my attempt to start at the beginning.

"Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you."
-Veronica Roth

That quote has stuck with me since I read it many months ago. Because it is so so true. One thing I have discovered is that with the loss of someone you love, there is always guilt mixed in with your grief. I know I am not alone in my thoughts of "I should have said more, done more, loved more, while they were still here with me." "What if I had just... done something different, would they still be here with me?" And that guilt is heavy. It weighs in your mind, it burdens your chest, and it aches your body. But it does not take away as much as grief does. Grief pulls away your essence. There is something entirely missing from your being, and something desperate inside you is yearning, reaching, pulling for someone that will never be there again.

Grief is like a snake. It hides inside your heart, curled up in an eerie rest. When it awakes, it curls up from your heart. It wraps around your throat, making it harder to breathe. As your breath catches, the snake continues to curl up, around your head. It slides up your cheek and graces your eyes, as you close them to ease the pain. The snake then sneaks into your mind, so that your heart and mind are now connected in an unimaginable pain. The pain of it all wracks your entire body, so that you must succumb to the pain and cry out in agony. Your hands reach to your face as if to tear away the snake, but there is no relief. Because the snake is not really there. All that is there is your grief.